Just let me fly.

My mind is cloudy again. I'm in the sky, and I'm not sure I want to come down. I thought I was ready. I thought I was sure. It's true I've never felt it this deep before, but it's slipping away, fast. And, I'm keeping on flying. It's true, that we can communicate with the fire in our eyes for one another. And, we can dream of the leaves under our feet as we will dance. It wasn't just words, but we haven't seen each other. And, it was exactly as we left it and we laughed all night. But you're still not as high as me in the sky. You are all up for trying to bring me down playing all of your jealous games. You don't understand that it doesn't work, but it grounds me to know you want to try. I go out with my friends, and I find myself thanking the sky that I fly alone and free. That's how I know I'm better than I once was. I am not attached to my heart anymore. I'm scared to board your plane. So, don't expect you to be apart of my baggage. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know where I want to fly. I'm afraid that I'll fly back home in the winter. Just let me fly.

I'm like a bird.

            Birdie- Character Sketch Diaries

            My name is irrelevant, but they call me Birdie—whoever they are. That’s a little irrelevant also. I’m at a little intersection of my life. If I turn left, I could have lunch at a quaint little Chinese restaurant. Oh, the little doughnuts. If I turn right, I could be out of this state in a little over thirty miles. If I press the brake and make the little “R” illuminate on my dashboard, I will roll back home, if you can call it that. It’s not really a home at all. Then, if I go forward, I’m a little unsure where that will lead me. But, I’m tired of living little. I want to live in the big, big sky.

           

            Yes, it’s true. I want to be loved. I want everything like that. I want to be loved like I’m the only person worthy. I want someone to look at me like I’m the only object in their sight. I want to be so comfortable with someone that all of my worries wash away with rays of sunlight on my naked skin. I want to someone to welcome me in their safe wings. I want someone to lend me their last name because I really don’t enjoy mine. It isn’t a name filled with inviting love and belonging. I don’t need a big fancy day. Just a pretty dress with pretty lace so I can have one day I can have a pretty face. Not anytime soon, I just want to find a family. I just want to be a part of something good. But, the truth is those are little things. I’m already married to the sky.

            Really, I don’t know what I want, really. I don’t know where I want to go. I don’t know where I want to do. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know who I want to be with someone. I don’t know if I want to be someone with anyone. I don’t know if I like myself that vulnerable. I want all of everything but I don’t want it if it’s not what I want. I could have everything right now. I could have it with him, and him, and him. But they’re not him. So, I don’t know if I really want it. I don’t know if I really want to be tied down to the ground when I’m happiest flying in the sky.

            I can’t make them see that it’s never going to be. They have their hopes up on me. It’s never going to be again. It was once, but only because I was trying too hard to keep going forward. It was a little thing, but maybe it was more to them. Maybe, I made them fly while grounding myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I want what I want. And, I don’t want what I want. I really want the sky. That’s what I really want.

            There’s a Hummer behind me getting impatient. I don’t know where to go. I’m not trying to look in the rearview, but I can feel the hands on my back with force, telling me to go fly forward. I just want to go up, up, up.

Maybe my home is in the sky.

My heart is safe for the first time. And, whole, in my own chest. My only victory is when my best friend and I talk on a front porch of a house we can never find. She says, "I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you. I've seen you grow. You're so much stronger now." That's the recognition I crave. I just want people to see how much I have changed. I don't get that much, here. I'm still seen as the girl that I was when I was a couple of years ago. I got a late start of growing up; I didn't experience a lot until I was just over two decades old. I moved to the big city a year later and now I'm back, and I'm different. I'm more confident; I am not as shy as I once was. I had to get over my insecurities and had to learn to speak up. I'm in love with the people that I met in the big city because they took me in and never pushed me out. I enjoyed maturity and I wanted more. I took back my first heart break because I was still weak from him that I didn't want to get back up to fall for someone else. With his toothbrush next to mine, some say it was my biggest mistake. Really, it wasn't a mistake at all. What if always had the best of me. I always wanted to be in love and I thought it would bring me comfort, but it didn't. Before, I was always lonely and all I wanted was someone to love me. But I'm only okay alone it seems. I'm finally okay with that. All of the jealousy made me regress into someone I never want to be. But, I'm in love again, maybe for the first time. This feels a lot different with someone with fire in his eyes. It feels clear, pure red. No matter what you do or don't do, it effects me not.  No one understands either. I'm always taking up for you, saying you're just misunderstood. You're not as horrible as people think. I guess I understand you; as you get me. Sometimes, I wish I could talk to you about things but I know it's apart of your plan of protection. Even though I want for people to recognize that I'm stronger, that's all I have ever wanted. I know I'm strong and I have to be. But, everyone always assumes that I can protect myself. I don't  always want to be strong, I want someone to stand up for me. You've always done so. You want the best for me and maybe deep down you've always assumed that's not you. But that's exactly why I love you. Because, I'm not used to anyone thinking that way. We may never be, but it'll be okay. This love doesn't leave me sad and lonely. Maybe, this is the best kind of love. I am happier alone. At least, I know now that I'm capable of this feeling. I'm not sure what I want anymore or what I want or where I want to be or what I want to do. I'm happy; I'm just not happy here because I have never felt at home here. I do want to find my own place someday. Maybe one day I'll have somewhere I belong, Someone to call my own; someone I don't have to share. Someone that won't throw me away because of my flaws; Someone that will make me feel safe, and not an unwanted child or an outsider. I know that won't happen anytime soon. I still have a lot to see and people to meet, people to leave. I'm just glad this love changed me and someone sees it. Maybe my home is in the sky.