I'm like a bird.

            Birdie- Character Sketch Diaries

            My name is irrelevant, but they call me Birdie—whoever they are. That’s a little irrelevant also. I’m at a little intersection of my life. If I turn left, I could have lunch at a quaint little Chinese restaurant. Oh, the little doughnuts. If I turn right, I could be out of this state in a little over thirty miles. If I press the brake and make the little “R” illuminate on my dashboard, I will roll back home, if you can call it that. It’s not really a home at all. Then, if I go forward, I’m a little unsure where that will lead me. But, I’m tired of living little. I want to live in the big, big sky.

           

            Yes, it’s true. I want to be loved. I want everything like that. I want to be loved like I’m the only person worthy. I want someone to look at me like I’m the only object in their sight. I want to be so comfortable with someone that all of my worries wash away with rays of sunlight on my naked skin. I want to someone to welcome me in their safe wings. I want someone to lend me their last name because I really don’t enjoy mine. It isn’t a name filled with inviting love and belonging. I don’t need a big fancy day. Just a pretty dress with pretty lace so I can have one day I can have a pretty face. Not anytime soon, I just want to find a family. I just want to be a part of something good. But, the truth is those are little things. I’m already married to the sky.

            Really, I don’t know what I want, really. I don’t know where I want to go. I don’t know where I want to do. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know who I want to be with someone. I don’t know if I want to be someone with anyone. I don’t know if I like myself that vulnerable. I want all of everything but I don’t want it if it’s not what I want. I could have everything right now. I could have it with him, and him, and him. But they’re not him. So, I don’t know if I really want it. I don’t know if I really want to be tied down to the ground when I’m happiest flying in the sky.

            I can’t make them see that it’s never going to be. They have their hopes up on me. It’s never going to be again. It was once, but only because I was trying too hard to keep going forward. It was a little thing, but maybe it was more to them. Maybe, I made them fly while grounding myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I want what I want. And, I don’t want what I want. I really want the sky. That’s what I really want.

            There’s a Hummer behind me getting impatient. I don’t know where to go. I’m not trying to look in the rearview, but I can feel the hands on my back with force, telling me to go fly forward. I just want to go up, up, up.