The world whirls around. Lithium leaks through the walls. I am not able to emancipate from the floor. They are coming close. They look weary through the windows. They see your soul. They want you willingly. The green monsters mindless keeps their kites in the sky. I wake up without. I try to save your soul but I lack strength. They're coming close.
What do you want from me? What do you want for me? Do you want the best for me? Can you be the best for me? Can you do better for me? Do you want more from me?
I would give it to you. I would breathe the poison for you. I would choose me for you. I would give up for you. I would stay the same for you. I want more for you.
I'm stuck on the sidewalk. The fog falls from the above. I can see their high eyes beaming from above. They're there. They're gleaming into our glass. They see my soul. They want me willingly. I'm looking through green monsters mindlessly hiding behind. I wake up without. I try to save my soul but I lack strength. I'm falling far.
Everything feels like lilac shores beneath my feet. My bare skin against the dark street. I lie there with a smile on my face as you feel my heart's pace. I whisper in your ear, "If horses had wings, they would fly here." I never thought we could be and here we are. so far from where we were. Everything feels steady now. And I still ask myself how, how did I miss it before. No one can say what's coming, no one knows what's in store. I feel connected, protected from what I once felt. You tell me you love me without words. My hearts burning, my heart melts. You tell me you love me in breaths. I never been so patient. Oh, I know it's coming, it's coming soon. And, everything else that's due. Oh, it will ensue. With you, I feel like you're enough. I don't need your name, my genes don't need your face. Your love is pure and enough. Enough to carry me to my death. For no matter, disagreements can't fade. My love is still here, stronger than ever. I spill it into the sky. I'm here love. I'm here love. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going. You can push, push, push me out. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm not hurting you anymore," I say into the sky. We have something that I can't explain. What it is, I'll never say. It's something from another place. I dance in purple fields in the purple sky. I tell ya, "Look at me now, I flow." It's where I go, to talk to you. It's more than enough. You smile and tell me you love me. And, I believe you. The vibrations are coming strong. I can feel them in my chest. This was always for the best. This was always for the best. This was always enough. This was always enough for me. This purple place is enough. You are more than enough. You give me all I need. You give me enough.
You're right there under my fingertips. I feel your energy but I can't touch you yet. She tells me I have a choice between good and bad, and you're the good. It's like a gift of comfort. A blanket for forever. But I cant open you yet. I know we're both frustrated right now and it's making us crazy, sick with emotion. sick. like nausea of hateful things. We don't mean them. I feel like I'm regressing however. My age is getting to me like the rain on a windy day. Or, a word that just won't say. I feel like a baby bird. Everyone babies me and it's making me sick. I just want to have responsibility so I feel my maturity. I know that's coming, but my patience is only as good as my temper. I just want you to know that I still feel the same as I once did. I just don't want to regress into the same egg and I'm trying to find a balance between my mind and my heart. I have the choice now. But, I don't make decisions. I let people decide for me. But if it was up to them, neither road would be right. No, this decision is my own. I've been begging the good energy to give me you and let the other not to incarnate. But I must decide. All I'm asking is, don't fly away. Be patient for me. I have to sort out the contradictions in my soul. I don't want to lose you, I won't lose you. I want the good life. I don't want bad for myself anymore. So, allow the pathway to be clear. Don't leave room for me to be scared and back away. I've been in bad places. I see shadows in every room, closet, hallway. Lead me and hold my eyes so I won't see the ghost. Don't fly away bird. Build me a home and a future in the sky, but please don't fly away.
I've fallen down today. Don't asked why. I know better. Nothing matters, but I just want you here and now. I pick myself up by telling myself you've been with me in the sky for all of time. You can feel it, too. Last night you spoke to me, and you said, "We're parallels, and he is your opposite." I know we're not apart of the plan, we never was. But that doesn't kill the wanting to hold your hand in this life and I don't want to let go. I want to hold you and I don't ever want to let go. Because, you know me without even trying. And, what you know is effortless. I don't want to fly away, but I have to. I'm not who you think. I'm a strange contradiction. So, hold the image of me close to your heart and I'll meet you in forever. This life is only but a second. Even though, I haven't felt you inside, I feel you with me every day. I'm really having a hard time letting time pass. But I visit you in the sunny field and we spin in happiness as you hold me like you should. The comfort is undeniable there. We sit in silence, yet it is all we've ever wanted. We're going to let each other fly way, I'm fine with that. We're happy in the ever after in the sky.
Love doesn't come easy. Love doesn't come in three days. Love comes with a blue moon and a fire so bright that we have to shield our eyes. Love doesn't wait, no, it doesn't wait. Maybe that's just me. Not anymore. I know now when to let go of something that just won't be. It's a shame because you know just as well as me we've got this. but watch me take flight.
I won't sink my claws into sand. I won't dig my claws into you.
My mind is cloudy again. I'm in the sky, and I'm not sure I want to come down. I thought I was ready. I thought I was sure. It's true I've never felt it this deep before, but it's slipping away, fast. And, I'm keeping on flying. It's true, that we can communicate with the fire in our eyes for one another. And, we can dream of the leaves under our feet as we will dance. It wasn't just words, but we haven't seen each other. And, it was exactly as we left it and we laughed all night. But you're still not as high as me in the sky. You are all up for trying to bring me down playing all of your jealous games. You don't understand that it doesn't work, but it grounds me to know you want to try. I go out with my friends, and I find myself thanking the sky that I fly alone and free. That's how I know I'm better than I once was. I am not attached to my heart anymore. I'm scared to board your plane. So, don't expect you to be apart of my baggage. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know where I want to fly. I'm afraid that I'll fly back home in the winter. Just let me fly.
My name is
irrelevant, but they call me Birdie—whoever they
are. That’s a little irrelevant also. I’m at a little intersection of my
life. If I turn left, I could have lunch at a quaint little Chinese restaurant.
Oh, the little doughnuts. If I turn right, I could be out of this state in a
little over thirty miles. If I press the brake and make the little “R”
illuminate on my dashboard, I will roll back home, if you can call it that. It’s
not really a home at all. Then, if I go forward, I’m a little unsure where that
will lead me. But, I’m tired of living little. I want to live in the big, big
sky.
Yes, it’s true. I want to be loved.
I want everything like that. I want to be loved like I’m the only person
worthy. I want someone to look at me like I’m the only object in their sight. I
want to be so comfortable with someone that all of my worries wash away with
rays of sunlight on my naked skin. I want to someone to welcome me in their
safe wings. I want someone to lend me their last name because I really don’t
enjoy mine. It isn’t a name filled with inviting love and belonging. I don’t
need a big fancy day. Just a pretty dress with pretty lace so I can have one
day I can have a pretty face. Not anytime soon, I just want to find a family. I
just want to be a part of something good. But, the truth is those are little
things. I’m already married to the sky.
Really, I don’t know what I want,
really. I don’t know where I want to go. I don’t know where I want to do. I don’t
know who I want to be. I don’t know who I want to be with someone. I don’t know
if I want to be someone with anyone. I don’t know if I like myself that vulnerable. I want
all of everything but I don’t want it if it’s not what I want. I could have
everything right now. I could have it with him, and him, and him. But they’re
not him. So, I don’t know if I really want it. I don’t know if I really want to
be tied down to the ground when I’m happiest flying in the sky.
I can’t make them see that it’s
never going to be. They have their hopes up on me. It’s never going to be
again. It was once, but only because I was trying too hard to keep going
forward. It was a little thing, but maybe it was more to them. Maybe, I made
them fly while grounding myself. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I want what I
want. And, I don’t want what I want. I really want the sky. That’s what I
really want.
There’s a Hummer behind me getting
impatient. I don’t know where to go. I’m not trying to look in the rearview,
but I can feel the hands on my back with force, telling me to go fly forward. I
just want to go up, up, up.
My heart is safe for the first time. And, whole, in my own chest. My only victory is when my best friend and I talk on a front porch of a house we can never find. She says, "I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you. I've seen you grow. You're so much stronger now." That's the recognition I crave. I just want people to see how much I have changed. I don't get that much, here. I'm still seen as the girl that I was when I was a couple of years ago. I got a late start of growing up; I didn't experience a lot until I was just over two decades old. I moved to the big city a year later and now I'm back, and I'm different. I'm more confident; I am not as shy as I once was. I had to get over my insecurities and had to learn to speak up. I'm in love with the people that I met in the big city because they took me in and never pushed me out. I enjoyed maturity and I wanted more. I took back my first heart break because I was still weak from him that I didn't want to get back up to fall for someone else. With his toothbrush next to mine, some say it was my biggest mistake. Really, it wasn't a mistake at all. What if always had the best of me. I always wanted to be in love and I thought it would bring me comfort, but it didn't. Before, I was always lonely and all I wanted was someone to love me. But I'm only okay alone it seems. I'm finally okay with that. All of the jealousy made me regress into someone I never want to be. But, I'm in love again, maybe for the first time. This feels a lot different with someone with fire in his eyes. It feels clear, pure red. No matter what you do or don't do, it effects me not. No one understands either. I'm always taking up for you, saying you're just misunderstood. You're not as horrible as people think. I guess I understand you; as you get me. Sometimes, I wish I could talk to you about things but I know it's apart of your plan of protection. Even though I want for people to recognize that I'm stronger, that's all I have ever wanted. I know I'm strong and I have to be. But, everyone always assumes that I can protect myself. I don't always want to be strong, I want someone to stand up for me. You've always done so. You want the best for me and maybe deep down you've always assumed that's not you. But that's exactly why I love you. Because, I'm not used to anyone thinking that way. We may never be, but it'll be okay. This love doesn't leave me sad and lonely. Maybe, this is the best kind of love. I am happier alone. At least, I know now that I'm capable of this feeling. I'm not sure what I want anymore or what I want or where I want to be or what I want to do. I'm happy; I'm just not happy here because I have never felt at home here. I do want to find my own place someday. Maybe one day I'll have somewhere I belong, Someone to call my own; someone I don't have to share. Someone that won't throw me away because of my flaws; Someone that will make me feel safe, and not an unwanted child or an outsider. I know that won't happen anytime soon. I still have a lot to see and people to meet, people to leave. I'm just glad this love changed me and someone sees it. Maybe my home is in the sky.
